It comes in waves.

Waves of awareness.
Waves of denial.
Waves of grief.
Waves of memories of laughing moments.
Waves of confusion.
Waves of recognition.
Waves of a growingly gaping hole.

Waves of wanting to fill that hole,
crowding out the sorrow.
Waves of pausing to let the sorrow in.
Waves for leaving that piece of my heart just for her,
not to be filled nor forgotten.
Waves of appreciation for the gifts she shared—
for her grace, her wisdom, her intelligence, her sense of fun,
her perception, her discernment.
Waves of recognizing the gift she was.
Waves of recognizing the gift she is.

Waves of regret.
Waves of gratitude for having listened to nudges.
Waves of profound sadness
followed by
waves of feeling blessed to have had her in my life
for the entirety of my life.

For, where I enjoyed her in my physical days,
I now carry her in my heart forever.

Waves

Waves

Waves of knowledge.
Waves of fear.
Waves of love.

As I ride these waves,
as I let them come
and go,
I feel their presence in my chest
and in my throat
and now and again
my stomach.
Sometimes, the waves smash into my whole body,
and I am left wracked with sobs.
And then their ebb
lifts me gently to stand
in my heart with my memories,
with her strength now part of mine,
with her laughing, loving eyes part of my gaze,
with her compassionate heart now part of my being.

“i carry you in my heart.”
e.e. cummings had it right.

i carry you in my heart.

While you rest in peace,
continuing to inspire all who knew, met, loved, admired, imitated you,
I walk in the waves of all that comes with your knowing,
your passing,
your eternal light.

Blessings.

©paulaksgardner, 2016.

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