Prayer for Today: Worthy.

I stumble over these feelings.
I have resisted them
(seeing them, naming them)
for months…

No… for a lifetime.

And today,
they’ve jumped onto my table
and into my lap
and REFUSE to be put down, away, ignored.
They will NOT be ignored;
because TODAY, they feel threatened;
they want to win.

They have insinuated themselves
stealthily,
silently,
craftily
into every thought,
every word (spoken and unspoken)
every choice,
every feeling,
every action,
every reaction,
every response,
every anticipation,
Every. Every. Every.

When you believe that you don’t matter,
that you’re unworthy,
your thoughts and actions scatter easily.
Because to focus
means to confront the insistent
pounding on the door,
telling you,
“Give it up! You cannot do this;
should not do this because
you. are. unworthy.”

When you’re not ready for the confrontation,
when you’re afraid you’ll lose,
that you’ll succomb to the voices that echo
from childhood—
“We heard you the first time. Be quiet.”
(but we chose to NOT acknowledge you
because you. do. not matter.)

It’s TERRIFYING:

Turning your face to the light
means turning away from a lifetime
of feeling unworthy, unheard, unworthy of being heard.
Turning your face to the light
means turning your heart from the cold wall
of a core belief that repeats that message
in an amazing variety of forms
in an amazing variety of messages
in an amazing and complex variety of habits
and rituals and unconscious living.

It looked like this:
~speech so quiet as to be imperceptible—unhearable;
~dress so dark or so beige as to hide the person wearing it—never red, please!
~accomplishments, overlooked or left unclaimed
because to do so would mean arrogance…
You. Are. Unworthy.
~praises denied, diminished;
~silence when your heart was singing with words that
could bless others’ lives
because
you.
are.
unworthy.

It’s been a journey.
It IS a journey.

Today, I stand firm.

Blessed Mother, Holy Spirit, Lord Jesus,
All the Angels and Saints and Holy Children, Women, and Men,
Help. Me. Focus.
Help. Me. Be Aware.
Help me throw my light,
my brilliance,
my shining, truest self
into the darkest corners
And draw the truth
from them.

Help me silence
the voices
that prompted the little girl
to feel unnecessary, inconsequential, unworthy.

Close my ears and nose and throat and body
to the insidious messages
declaring over and over and over:
“Whatever you do, you cannot win favor;
whatever you say, you will not be heard;
Don’t bother trying. Don’t bother dreaming.
You’ll fail.
Because You. Are. Unworthy.”

Please, help me
Draw a curtain of steel
around the lambs with daggers
hidden in their hard gaze
and gravelly voice,
those who seek to suffocate the light,
who seek to strangle the voice,
who want my company in the dark
because they couldn’t/wouldn’t—through their own
history of others blanketing their joy—
step into their light
and shine light unto others
or receive others’ light to open their path.

Guide my gaze
to the center of this spacious heart
to view,
unveiled, unclouded,
unshadowed,
the clear pool of love
that resides there,
always has,
always will.

Lead me,
through awareness,
to another place,
not of blame,
nor of shame,
but of light.

As the light expands,
let it warm and comfort,
let it inspire and illuminate the path to my soul,
so that I may see
the dark beliefs that have haunted me
and release them…

to the light.

Because

I.
Am.
Worthy.

Amen.

©paulaksgardner, 2015.
All that you do? Do it…with joy!

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