Not again...Not still
Once again,
I find myself
wanting to be part of an "in-group,"
NOT wanting to be part of the in-group,
wondering WHY this need arises and
why it PERSISTS even at my age (68).
It doesn't matter
who is in this group,
what they stand for (consciously or unconsciously)
or even what I see them "standing for."
What matters
is that I, somehow, feel a need to be part of them,
to be chosen, and loved by them.
Sigh.
Does this part of being human EVER end?
In my life,
I have felt this feeling and I have capitulated by
1. fawning--doing/saying things to seek their approval
2. freezing and staying locked in my room or my heart, depending on the circumstances
3. fleeing--running or driving as fast I could to get as far away as I could
4. fighting--with words to them or to myself. Often, this looked like, "doing it anyway."
All of these likely feel familiar if you have been at all inspired to "inquire within" and if you've read anything at all about our human nervous system.
And here I am:
I am so tired of fighting, fleeing, freezing, and fawning (This last occurs in the subtlest of ways these days...but it's there.)
Tears come.
Tears go.
Tears may relieve the body-mind-spirit of cortisol, that ubiquitous hormone of stress...but I am left...bereft.
I'm tired of seeking approval--
in its myriad forms,
in its myriad awarenesses.
"Don't go back to sleep," exhorted Rumi.
WTF?
I just realized:
I have never been asleep!
I have lived my life, my entire life,
cultivating awareness of all sorts,
to varying degrees,
to whatever layers I had access to at that point in my life,
and even when unaware,
the wheels were turning, churning, yearning...
While some things revealed themselves layer upon layer,
I have lived with this underlying sense of searching...
...for me.
Amidst the chaos and the charm
Among the disapproving
Around the unwitting and/or unwanted competition
I have been searching.
Just let me be.
Just give me peace.
I really only want to be
with those who want to be with me.
And yet...
I seek out certain people for who they are
(or who I think they are)
and settle into chameleon-izing myself (or fighting myself)
to fit what I see as them and what I see as they-are-what-I-want-to-be...
...or are they?
Damn it.
Circles spin endlessly
arriving back at this place of WTF?
I exhale
with the intention of leaving it all behind
and, still,
I am haunted.
My responses are:
animosity toward them for not wanting me,
for not inviting me,
for not choosing me.
AND...
neck and neck with this response
is my habitual flood of self-judgment,
self-criticism bleeding into
self-loathing for being so
not-like-everyone-else,
and the "there must be something wrong with me that they don't want me."
It is both a heaven- and a special kind of hell-on-Earth
to be uniquely anyone, someone.
I watched my sons
navigate and could only offer my understanding
and appreciation and my love.
I could give no assurance that it would go away--this feeling of being on the outside looking in.
I could tell them that it came and went in waves
and over time
and I could offer ways to ride these waves
and how and the kinds of WHOM to ask for help
when the waves seemed insurmountable.
It is a lonely place
made lonelier still
by our reluctance to let it be.
NOT "let it go."
Because "let it go" is a loaded fantasy for those of us
who feel riddled with self-doubt bordering on self-loathing.
Let it be.
Let it be...
to feel alone.
Let it be...
to feel unwanted, undesirable, unappreciated.
Let it be...
to harbor sad thoughts.
Let it be..
to want to get even
or to beat.
Let it be..
Let it be...as it is.
Keep swimming if that's what calls to you.
Keep walking if this feels good.
Keep resting in whatever form suits you.
Keep resisting as you feel the need.
Keep opening your heart to whatEVER might come next.
And when you're ready,
move in the direction YOU want to go.
Take your time
or rush right in--
however it feels best to you
right here right now.
And let it be
that this experience,
this feeling of on-the-outside
may repeat itself in as many iterations
as you have years.
And look..FEEL...for someone(s) who feels SAFE to YOU...
not the one(s) you want to please or be part of,
but the ones who--for any reason or no reason at all--feel safe in your body.
Safe for you to:
express yourself
cry on their shoulders
swear with great vigor
ask for the words that will soothe your aching heart...
with the deep knowing that they will give them to you...
and maybe even more,
that their presence may provide
things you didn't know to ask for.
And let it be...
from within your own body
that the swirls of urgent care
rise and fall,
rocking you,
in the cradle of knowing
and of letting it be.
Blessings,
Paula.
